Strangely yesterday I asked myself, how many Yesterdays have I had so far and how many do I remember? Thus, it seems too many to count and too few to remember. Then I tracked it down to my personal diary. There was one day written in 2013. And the mood of that day was as complicated as yesterday.
It says: Oct.25, 2013
Yesterday, a dramatic woman made an odd day. All the way to the market, all the way home and all day long, she covered her mouth with a hand, laughing and crying with smiles yet without tears, feeling like going to marry tomorrow, acting like the secret of American Dream.
Reading through each word, it seemed as if what happened on that day just happened now. The noises from the market, the faces in the crowds, the aimless footsteps on the way home, the broken laughter and the crying smiles, the hungry eyes and the wandering mind, the complex power of the deep inside waves – all these images were still vivid as a dear heart. And yesterday, there was no fewer dear moments than that day. In the morning, I posted a moment of my mind:
After all these days of building a blog and creating some material for the site, I feel my mind floating high and feverishly, my feet walking on the water, my heart rumbling violently, my passion lying restlessly to the mess, the anger, the pain, and even now my period bleeding abnormally.
After this, I closed all the windows and tried to concentrate on my FUCKING Book, but failed. I only had written a small paragraph. Then my fingers began to scratch the keyboard crazily. Soon my hands grabbed the phone unconciously. Checking pointlessly on the phone, I created one folder on the Home screen and tried to put the rarely used applications into that new folder. Surprisingly, I became frustrated because it not only didn’t work out but was totally useless and “undeletable”. I tried so long, even followed some tips from Google, but it all turned out to be the same “unflushables”. I almost gave up after trying so hard. Just at the highest point of my frustration, by chance I got rid of it at last. Though I can’t remember exactly how. But the point was I felt good after that. So I decided to watch a movie and then one more and another.
One movie was The Immitation Game. Deeply I felt sad for Allan Turing and those who had a smilar life. It made me see, how a great man could be forgotten or hidden and how a man could be greater and more memoriable to this world. Such an individual could contribute his life to his country unconditionally while that country couldn’t pay him back anything but the therapy that killed him. And more importantly, a country hardly saved his life nor appreciated his talent. After all, a whole fucking country is concerned more about benefits than one ear to hear: “Sometimes you have to let people do things that no one can imagine.”
One was The Grand Budapest Hotel. Another sad and inspiring movie with beautiful images and great music. More or less, a war can create a great hero, also can kill millions. Nothing can be measured to a war and nothing can be rewarded as equal as a human life from a war.
The other was Boyhood. I think this could be a great movie for family education and self education. Chinese parents or all the parents would learn something about how to educate their children from this movie, especially about sex and sexuality. For single-parenting, you see how hard and how cruel it could be to children who are the innocent victims of modern high rates of divorced marriages and the sickening blind marriage. Wake up, China!
With all different thoughts inspired by the movies, I couldn’t help thinking of where I am now. A strong thought came aross and then stuck to my head: It seems my body lives in modern society yet my soul stays in ancient China, or at least maybe as old as the corrupted Qing dynasty when the country was dying with stupidity and without dignity.
Speaking of the modern society, I feel lonely as I feel being left behind. Through time going, I feel more and more things happened in China that I have no idea as a Chinese, while outside China the whole world is making noises. I just wonder, if we Chinese don’t know “What the hell is going on?”, how do we choose a way to love China and what to love for?
When deepening down one another, all those questions with or without answers, regarding the images, emerged into a black hole that scares the hell out of me. At times, I have to fool myself. This is not me. This is just another creature that does no harm to anyone and anything. Please free me!
Yet with the high technology and internet, the world is too small and yet the distance between humans is too far. During the evening, a great friend of mine very very kindly taught me how to build a blog and how to win 500 subscribers within a month. I have to say we are purely appreciating each other’s mind. Nowadays, most people or at least most Chinese are following the rich, the famous, the superstars, the ugly scandles and the brainless youngsters, and very very few follow someone who has nothing to lose. This dear friend listed out each step and even copied the link of Youtube to show me how to link WordPress to Twitter and Facebook. For all the good deeds being done, how could I not mention such a friend? It took a long time for me to get them linked and it took much much longer to sleep on that night. Not because of the fear to lose, but every single piece was playing a movie in my head over and over…